I have so much to say and so much that I am wondering and the one person that beholds all the answers appears to have shut me out.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you yet another sad story about dating culture.
I was amidst another round of online dating and my profile got hacked by some lonely woman seeking old men—men that could feasibly be my grandfather. Except, she brainlessly hijacked my profile, tweaked my preferences and left me receiving all of the interactions. It was extremely uncomfortable getting hit on by Pops McGee rocking a toupee and dentures. Times 10. My email blew up—I hardly ever received that volume of messages. But I think, I too, would get a shockwave of excitement if I saw someone young-looking showing interest in my old-ass—assuming I was 80 and modeling in Geritol commercials.
So in the middle of all of this, one legit message found its way to my inbox on the site and one that was from someone who had been messaging me before we lost touch. So I was pleasantly surprised that he remembered me and sought me out again.
As luck would have it, we made plans to meet out and had a great time. A first date turned into a second and a second date turned into a third and fourth and so on….all points were looking like this was heading into something great.
There were many reaffirming words and actions exchanged that would lead even the lay person to believe that it was heading in a very positive direction. Around the same time, life for him started getting a little busier—this time of year can be dreadfully stressful for some people in their professions, and this fellow was no exception. And I am very empathetic—there are parts of my job as a teacher that are more demanding than others, so I get the job stress. I made sure to tell him that I was there for him and was understanding if he wanted to spend time in rather than going out and would be willing to help him or support him in whatever he needed.
Talking to him changed from back and forth messaging through the day to later in the day to early evening and not at all. And the message body evolved from being very sweet and cutesy to inconsistently cutesy and sweet to blunt/to-the-point to minimal and then silence. The minimal messages were enough to keep me afloat—he told me how his job was demanding more and more of his time. It seemed believable, at least.
But what I couldn’t stand was the silence. It was deafening. We went from a quick exchange on a Saturday evening to a question left unanswered. However, something like this has happened before and he did get back to me a day or so later. So, I carried on hoping and wishing. Fast forward to Tuesday morning and my patience was wearing thin, I caved and messaged a bit of sass. If my displeasure of not having heard from him didn’t ring through, then the message was not loud enough.
When I did finally get a response, I felt like it was cheap. It was a quick and easy cop-out.
“I’ve just had a lot going on”
Ok—I get it. Everyone is busy this time of year. But do you not have 30 seconds to send a “hey, hope you’re good!” or call fast and just say, “I am so sorry for not getting back to you, but X Y and Z was going on and it has just been one thing after another.”
And maybe in his defense he did have a lot going on, but I feel like I am owed a little more than a vague “I’ve just had a lot going on.”
So, I tell him how I would have appreciated more communication and I get a response that expresses a lack of time management for self, for family and for this relationship. OK—a little bit better, but how hard would it have been to come to me and say, “Look….I like you and I want to be with you (or I am no longer interested…) but I am having a hard time finding the time to balance all those things that matter to me and have time for me….”
I would have been understanding.
However, I have been wrestling with increasingly more bitter feelings towards this whole situation mixed with hopeful feelings that maybe he is just in a funk and just going through the motions of each day, struggling to find a moment of sanity for himself and maybe will come out of this and realize what a good thing he had.
The bitter feelings that gnaw away at me always come back to some version of me being back in the same spot—-single and alone again after being myself, being truthful and honest and sharing my greatness with another all to be back at square one A-gain. And so close to the holidays, too. Being single this time of year SUCKS.
I can’t help but think that maybe I ought to be dishonest and deceitful and more of a bimbo and maybe a guy will want me for longer than a hot second. But that was not how I was raised and not a representation of who I am. I feel guilty for even uttering the thought.
The whole thing is just so frustrating.
I just want to find someone who appreciates me for all that I am, accepts my flaws and encourages my strengths and supports my weaknesses. I want someone that is going to be affectionate and welcome my affection. I want someone who is understanding and empathetic, intelligent and independent. And most of all I just want to find that person that walks into my life when I am least expecting it and teaches my heart to love and let love in after it has endured so much needless heartache.