My Thoughts from 30,000ft in the Air

In no particular order of weight or significance, here are my thoughts way up high in the sky…

1. If you are a flight attendant, you should always be pleasant. And when possible, you should infuse humor into your job. Be it a safety spiel or your welcome address to the crappy destination people are returning to, assuming the one they left was immensely better.
2. Also on the matter of flight attendants….How can you not just want to punch some people in the throat for their idiotic ideas of what they are trying to cram into the overhead bin, or under the seat in front of them for that matter. People are trying to save a few bucks nowadays by not checking a bag. But yet, they are bringing aboard a medium sized luggage with wheels the size of large tennis balls, a purse that is arguably another midsize valise and a guitar (I actually witnessed the guitar part…it was looking a little dicey because he was late boarding the plane and the overhead bins were mighty packed, but the flight attendant worked her magic and VOILA! There was room for a guitar! DAMNIT! A large part of me wanted to see what would have happened when they broke the news, “I’m sorry, sir, but this guitar case will actually need to be checked and stored below” “Say it ain’t so! This is ’47 vintage telecaster…” as he starts cuing up a few pitiful tears for effect). 
3. Flights with families…I should be more empathetic and sympathetic because that is how I have traveled from when I was 6 until the present day. However, families with small children boarding a Southwest flight—a flight of which does not assign you seats is pretty risky. I get they offer economical fares, but why would you knowingly travel with tiny humans and leave it to chance that you *MIGHT* get seats together, but there is  another, possible larger chance if you cheaped out and bought the “Gotta get away” tickets that Tiny Tim is going to wind up sitting next to someone’s hipster aunt decked out in vertical-striped pants*, tan leather tong sandals and a tunic reeking of patchouli and hair down past her ass. This becomes more of a pressing issue if you do not get boarding group A or B. If you get C, say a quick prayer and hope for seats on the same side of the plane.
   1. *I may or may not actually own a pair of light blue and white vertical striped jean flare pants. I may or may not actually be mildly special. One of these statements is true. You can decide. 🙂
   2. I am unsure why this lovely free blog host site decided to recycle numbers back to 1 rather than switch over to a lettering system, just so I could add in my little * acknowledgment.
4. Nothing is more annoying than flying with screaming babies or the kid that can’t help but kick the back of your seat the entire way. I don’t see the glamour of traveling with children who can’t even walk yet. And the amount of stuff you must travel with to make it through a scenery change in a warmer more pleasant climate. The stroller, the car seat, the toys, the clothes, the spare clothes, spare clothes for the spare clothes, bottles, binkies, back up binkies just in case, the diaper bag, diapers, diapers and more diapers and all the changing amenities, a collapsible play pen, beach accessories….and you haven’t even so much as packed yourself a pair of underwear yet! I’d just assume stay home until they could walk and were properly housebroken. How many bags must you check in order to pull off a vacation by plane with very small children? Seemingly a lot. You can kiss those free up-to 50 pound bags goodbye….
5. I love sleeping on planes. I also fear falling asleep the wrong way on a plane. I know, you are thinking “there is only one way….become groggy, your eyes slip shut and off to sleep you go!” OR “Good luck sleeping…hope you have a pair of noise-cancelling earphones…because we don’t call her Screamin’ Mimi for nuthin’!” I know, but while in the full, upright and locked position, I tend to lob over. And if I’m traveling by myself, I’m fearful I’ll lob over on an unsuspecting stranger and snooze my way to our destination. I’ll try to hold the drool…no promises. Also, on the bit of not being able to tune out children…air travel grants me this crazy phenomenon where my ears clog due to the air pressure, which I can actively choose to release by chomping on gum or randomly opening and closing my jaw until I feel the pressure release. Did I mention that while clogged I can’t hear a damn thing?
6. Who chooses the snacks to be served onboard a flight? Do they ever survey the loyal frequent fliers to see what would appeal to them? How do they determine that peanuts are an appropriate 6 AM flight snack? Why not something like Stella D’Orro Marguerite cookies—great for dunking in your morning cup o’joe or your choice of naturally concealed fruit like a banana or an orange–something that doesn’t need to be washed. Who deemed peanuts the snack of choice to be handed out on nearly every flight I have ever been on *recently. If you are a major airline and happen to be reading this, here is my two cents on the matter. Offer meal appropriate snack selections. And if peanuts happen to just be more cost effective, then let people choose it rather than just be handed them. I would rather have to choose peanuts because the other choices were more disappointing than peanuts than be offered peanuts when there could be so many other more appealing and tasty snacks served high above the clouds.
   1. Recently….within the last 5 years or so. Coincidentally around the same time peanut allergies are on an epidemic rise. Hmm….
7. Since we are talking about snacks, I may as well mention the beverages. Thank you for pre-pouring my drink into a plastic cup with ice. However, I much prefer watching you do this so I can see where the contents of my drink originated from. I remember flight attendants begrudgingly rolling the dreaded beverage cart down the single-file aisle of planes. You watched them pour your drink or flat out hand you the can of whatever you ordered. Now, they are trying to take a page out of the restaurant service book and walk down the aisle with a pen and pre-labeled pad to take your drink order and then go to their flight attendant nook to prepare the drinks row by row to bring back to you in a cup with no lid….which you are forced to place in the skeeviest of places—second to probably either the knobs of the recycled air(conditioning) or the air plane bathroom—the tray table.
8. I resist using the tray table at all costs. I wish stores sold 3oz packages of Lysol wipes. I *MIGHT* feel a teensy bit better about using the tray table if I can clean it to my liking. This past flight, the tray table was covered in the crumbs of the last person’s in-flight snack and had rings of a drink that spilled–something that looked dark and sticky because, well the crumbs were not even sliding off. Did I mention that this tray table was in the vertical and locked position moments before? And, no, not a one crumb tumbled off. Impressive. And Impressively disgusting. No beverage for me, thank you.
9. I love flying places. Not one of these things that I have previously mentioned has made me wish I was driving a car at top speeds to get to my destination. I prefer flying to long car rides. Hands down. My limit in the car is two hours, comfortably. I have driven to Niagara Falls, Canada and that was an excruciating six hour drive with 6 requested stops by me and 2 actual stops made by the driver with incessant asking of the age-old question “Are we there yet?”